“July 2, 2016- I cried twice today. The type of cry that was so uncontrollable that my wife and daughter had to ask if I was okay and if they needed to call someone. But it’s not what you think. I was crying because I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face after Gia showed me a funny picture. Lord knows I have cried enough due to my emotions getting the best of me so it actually felt good to cry for a different reason. However, after the laughter had settled down and I was able to focus again, it made me realize that my emotions, good or bad, are in a hyper sensitive state. From time to time, I have this wave of emotion that comes over me that I literally cannot control. Working in the funeral industry for many years, you learn how to become emotionally attached to your families, without getting too emotional to where you can’t do your job. Working with the Lions Eye Institute and Donate Life Florida, I constantly come into contact with families who have lost loved ones who donated lifesaving organs, tissue, or corneas to someone in need. These are very emotional interactions that call for some level of restraint from one’s emotions. Will I ever be able to control my emotions again? Will I ever be able to help a grieving family or assist a family in making a decision to donate in order to save and/or enhance someone else’s life? I feel that what I do is very important and I love helping people. Will I be able to do what I love ever again? I have had a cartoon make me cry for goodness sake and this was a cartoon I had seen before (Jacob Frey-The Present). I hope as time goes on that I will have a better handle on my emotions. I don’t know this to be true, but I am not sure it is healthy for my daughter to see me crying so much. A question I get asked often is if I lost consciousness during my accident and my answer is, “no, but I wish I had.” I say that because I can remember details of the accident that I play over and over in my mind and I can’t shut it off. I can remember the impact, I can remember the thought I had when I was thrown from the bike but before I hit the ground, I can remember a kind gentleman getting on the ground with me and holding my hand, helping me manage the excruciating pain that I was in. With thoughts like that running around in my head, no wonder I am so emotional. Nothing a good cry can’t fix I guess.”

That is an excerpt from my journal about a month after my accident and when I started to figure out how long of an emotional journey I had in front of me. This past year, I have wept more times than I can count. Many times, outside of the watchful eyes of my family, other times in their presence. I can remember one Saturday morning, Kristine had fixed breakfast for everyone and we were sitting at the table and suddenly I burst into tears. It literally came out of nowhere and it had nothing to do with my eggs being over cooked! We were just having a normal conversation, talking about the day ahead and boom, I was crying. It was also very difficult to talk about the accident and relive the experience. I can recall at one of my Gator Amps support group meetings where we all sat in a circle and one by one, went around the room and told our story. I was not ready for this. As everyone prior to me told their story and shared their experiences, the closer it got to me, the higher my anxiety level became. Once it got to me, I said my name and that was all I could get out, I broke down into tears. Fortunately, I was able to compose myself enough to share my story when it came back around but it was still tough. I discovered the more I talked about it, the easier it became and I am so grateful to the people in my support group for their encouragement.

I soon realized that my recovery was as much about emotional healing as it was physical, maybe more so. If we do the right things to promote physical healing, our bodies, the amazing machines they are, will heal and heal stronger than before in many cases. Our minds however heal at a different pace. I made it a point to set out to take care of my emotional healing the same way I made it a point to take care of my body. I prayed, I meditated, I went to “talk” to someone, and I focused on God’s new plan for my life. I begin to read a book by Tony Dungy, Uncommon Life, Daily Challenge, every day, which pointed to different scriptures and how to apply those teachings to our everyday life, a daily bread of sorts. I slowly started to accept the new me and embraced the new challenges ahead. As my emotional healing started to improve, I started to get my sense of optimism back. I started to feel better about my situation and thus, wept less. That’s not to say that from time to time I don’t look down at my residual limb and wonder how in the world did I get here, but I now view it with a sense of new-found purpose.

I recently attended a Trauma Survivors Day at one of our local hospitals and to a person, both from the survivors and the care takers, the emotional journey and healing was as essential as the physical healing. And as I interacted with others who had survived traumatic events, I was amazed by the perseverance and attitude that everyone displayed. All walking on their own journeys and healing in their own ways.

My situation could have turned out a lot differently and over the years, I have seen the fatal consequences of accidents similar to mine and think how I could have very easily ended up in the back room of someone’s funeral home. It has left me with such a sense of gratitude that is hard for me to put into words. I am grateful for the air in my lungs, sunny days, rainy days, the birds, tress, the sky, whatever it is, if life offers it, I am grateful for it. But I did not get to this place of gratitude overnight, it took time and I continue to work on it. It took doing the things that I needed to do to heal emotionally, not just physically. For some, that might mean leaning on their family, or finding a support group, for others, seeking professional help. Whatever the case, if you find yourself having to deal with a situation or circumstance that is emotionally overwhelmingly, reach out for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is being honest about the situation and taking action to fix it. Take it from someone who has benefited from taking such action and is continuously working to fix it.