I never realized that when I became a lower extremity amputee that I would have to add a couple of new “dates to remember” to my calendar. The first being my Amp’uversary, which I acknowledge on May 24th and the other being my Walking Day, which I celebrate today, August 18th. For people living with limb loss, the date your life changed forever and the date you reclaim your independence are truly dates to remember.
To say that my whole outlook on life changed the day I became an amputee is an understatement. Not only from the standpoint of being grateful that my accident wasn’t much worse but I became aware of a whole different side of life. I have had an opportunity to meet some of the most amazing people I have ever met and I would not have gotten that chance had it not been for my amputation. I now have an up close and personal look of what the human spirit is truly capable of and through it all, my faith in humanity has been recharged with some of the experiences I have had and people I have interacted with. From that standpoint, my Amp’uversary date is truly a date to celebrate.
My Walking Day is a different story. I looked forward to my walking day from the moment I had my amputation. And the longer I had to use my wheel chair, walker, and crutches, the further away that date seem to get. There are several things that need to happen before you can even get fitted for your prosthesis and many of these things you have no control over. Mainly, my residual limb had to be totally healed before I could be fitted. This means stitches out, incision healed, and no spots that could be susceptible to skin break once in your prosthesis. I did what I could do, I kept my limb clean, Kristine changed my dressings and monitored my limb for any infection, and most importantly, I made sure I did not sustain any falls or hard bumps that could have set me back. In other words, if I had to question whether or not something was safe, I errored on the side of caution and did not do it. All in an effort to do my part and stay on track, and I did.
The other part of my preparation leading up to my Walking Day was the mental side. Upon reading and listening to other amputees and my prosthetist, I had to set realistic expectations for what those first few weeks would look like. I could not expect to throw it on and go skipping happily out of the office. I needed to prepare myself for discomfort, pain, being unstable, wearing it only for a few minutes at time at first, and lots and lots of gait training. In other words, it would be a while before I was walking without assistance, let alone skipping. I tell people often that when I stood up for the first time, I realized that is when the real work began. Your prosthesis is not a part of you, it is something that is attached to you through a suspension systems. Your socket, your pylon, your foot, all have to work in harmony with one another to provide the best possible walking, running, climbing, pedaling, and swimming experience possible. It also has to pull its own weight and work in unison with the rest of your body. If it doesn’t and I rely on my sound side too much, then I could over compensate and cause issues with my back, hip, and knee. Walking day is exciting but it is also when it gets real and your mettle (a person’s ability to face a demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way) is tested. I worked for years with a gentleman who was an amputee and I never saw him get out of his wheel chair. He had a myriad of different reasons why he could not use a prosthesis and I thought about him often. I had a ton of respect for this man but I vowed that I was not going to be that way. I was going to figure this walking thing out and keep moving. Here is an excerpt from my journal the day after my Walking Day:
August 19, 2016
I will say that this past week has been a monumental week in my journey. First, on Monday, I started back to work for a few hours a week, just doing office type work, reports, spreadsheets, those types of things. I also had a close call where I reached back to grab the rail over my toilet, missed, and my residual limb tapped the floor as I started to fall. Luckily I had enough strength to catch myself and push up before I ended up in a heap on the floor. And finally, I was able to try on, walk a few steps, and bring my prosthesis home with me yesterday.
It almost doesn’t seem real as I have been waiting on this day for the past three months. I thought I would be emotional when I stood up for the first time but that emotion was replaced with the realization that this would not be easy. In many ways, the real work begins for me. For one, and I know it has only been a day, the thing is just not that comfortable. My leg hurts all over as I try to distinguish for my prosthetist Keven, the difference between pain and being uncomfortable. Pain=Bad, Uncomfortable=Okay. It is a very weird feeling to look down and see, but not feel my foot. I guess it is no different than three months ago lying in the hospital bed looking down at my actual foot seeing it but not feeling it. My prosthesis is noticeably heavy. It is like walking with a cinder block at the end of my leg. My walking pattern, or my gait, it off as well. I swing my leg out instead of bringing it straight through like my other one. And don’t get me started on how much I sweat. Fifteen minutes of wearing my liner and when I pull it off, it is literally dripping with sweat. Now this may sound like I am complaining, I am not. Trust me, I have actually dreamed about this day coming. I am just making the point that there is a lot of work ahead of me. Like for the rest of my life a lot. You see, this is not a one and done. My prosthetist and I are now going to be best buddies as I will have several appointments with him and several legs as the volume of my leg changes over the coming months and years. I will have to monitor skin break down and ensure that my leg stays clean and healthy from this day forward. I will have to carry my amputee survival kit around with me everywhere I go to ensure if anything happens or I need to add socks to increase the volume, I will have what I need on the spot. Some things will not be able to wait until you get home. I called my physical therapist and told her the good news. I am mentally getting myself ready to work my tail off to get good on this thing. I have to for my family and loved ones who have been praying and pulling for me all this time. I cannot let them down or myself. I deserve to live a fulfilled life. I am just glad I have a life to live. I have seen people in my work in the funeral industry that do not survive that type of accident. So every night when I say my prayers, the first words out of my mouth are, “Lord, I thank you for my life.” The thought of my wife crying herself to sleep at night because I wasn’t there is unacceptable to me. The thought of my daughter, who has had to deal with so much so soon, not growing up with her Dad, is unacceptable to me. Therefore, I say it again, thank you Lord for my life (and my new leg).